Fred Schlick
(Self Proclaimed) Guardian
Quotes by Fred!*
15. Fred freshens up: "My hair has always been washed in the kitchen sink."
Frankly, we're just happy he's cleaning himself.
14. Fred's real talk: "I'm the queen of all."
Yes, yes you are.
13. Fred judges the local yokels: "All that vajiggle jaggle is not beautimus."
Someone call the Websters, we have three new words to add.
12. Fred explains the dangers of Redneck Lake: "There's been a lot of flesh-eating bacteria disease."
Totally worth it. Grab your bikini and hop in!
11. Fred explains himself: "I likes to get in the mud because I like to get dirty like a pig."
Makes perfect sense.
10. Fred gets pumped for The Redneck Games: "Today Pumpkin's gunna be bobbing for pig feet. I thought the pig feet were kind of disgusting. I thought they would be some cookedness to it, but they was actually raw."
Because cooked pigs' feet aren't disgusting at all.
9. Fred rounds up his crew: "We came. We conquered. We done what needed to be done."
Veni, Vidi, Vici, ya'll!
8. The pageant announcer introduces Fred: "He enjoys pageantry, mud bogging, and being with his family."
OMG, we love mud bogging. Twinsies!
7. Fred prepares for his diet: "My mother has told me in the past that if you fart 12-15 times a day you can lose a little weight, so I think I'll lose a lot of weight because I'm going to fart a lot."
So that's Jenny Craig's secret!
6. Fred gets to the point: "My mama weighs the most in my family because she's fat. Truth."
Way to sugarcoat it, girl.
5. Fred gets pumped for his piglet: "We’re gunna make it a girl pig, so he's going to be a little gay."
We have so many feelings about this.
4. Fred explains his family: "We're kinda like a lopsided, obtuse triangle all put together. Like a deformed shape."
That sounds pretty accurate.
3. Fred defends himself: "I'll stop passing gas when I'm dead."
Feel the rain on your skin, Pumpkin! No one else can feel it for you, only you can let it in!
2. Fred eye-rolls at the haters: "No one can be proper and etiquettely all the time."
Exactly.
1. Fred explains vaginas: "It's called a biscuit because it looks like a biscuit and it opens up."
Annnnnd, there goes lunch.
*Not really. They're actually Honey Boo Boo quotes replaced with Fred's name.